The holidays are here...

Now that's a legacy, Carol Spooner.

(Minus Miss Hayley who hates fish...)

The holidays are here, and I receive as many condolence cards as Christmas. I think the cards are a very sweet gesture, it lets me know that people are thinking about my family and the pain we feel.  I have way more good days then bad, and that alone will make you feel bad. I wonder why I am OK, and some people who lose a parent lose their self.  Heck, Dog the Bounty Hunter started using crack cocaine when his mother died...makes me think he loved his mom more, and I think that is impossible.
I do have one pet peeve, and that's when someone says "I am sorry about your mom, but it wasn't unexpected" like that makes it easier.  Or, something with the caveat "you knew she was going to die". Really? Well everyones mom is going to die, and no matter what, it sucks. Our journey to death may have been different than others, but once your loved one is dead, it's a level playing field. Gone is gone. From that day forward, the pain is real no matter how they died.  At first I agreed with the person, I mean,  they didn't mean to minimize my pain, but that's how I see it. When this happens, and it does often, I know it's a time for me to offer nothing but grace...AFTER I explain, gone is gone.  I miss my mom, and I miss watching the way my dad loved my mom.  I miss her sweet smell, that is slowly fading from my world. But, when I step back and look at my family,  and the legacy my mom has left, I am reminded how great my God is.

Life without a Mom.

It's only been two weeks since my mom passed away, and I can't decide how it feels. To say it

sucks is an understatement,  and when life goes on, I to pause to question if that's O.K.

Who do I call when I need to cook something? Yes....every time I cooked a meal I had to call her about something. Who do I call when planning the holidays, or even a family BBQ? She has always been the nucleus of our family. She was so strong, and so brave. Never letting us see her weakness. Always wanting lipgloss. I have a sweater of hers, and I can still smell her. It's a definite sweet smell that can only be described as my mom. I will never wash the sweater, and I wonder how long her sweet smell will linger. I wonder if it will always make me cry. It's all new territory, and the questions can make me a wreck, but in the grip of Jesus, I am functioning. Out of ashes...beauty will rise....(thank you Steven Curtis Chapman for that last line) 

And, thanks dad for choosing mom to be your wife. 

Antelope Valley Family YMCA

I tell all of my mom friends who want to take on more either in work force or with philanthropy "If you always make your decisions based on what is best for your family, you will be blessed." I have been a living example of that since my daughter Hayley was born. I have been offered fabulous jobs, projects or assignments that at the time didn't fit into my families lifestyle. I remember my ego being hurt that I could not do what I was born to do, but I put my family first. My family is what I was born to do.   I always thought as my kids got older, I would have more time to spread my wings. What I have discovered as my kids have gotten older, not only do I have less freedom, but they need me around even more. After 17 years with 24 hour Fitness, and slowly taking on more as my kids got older, I realized I needed to be in one place where they knew they could find me. I left 24, took a leap of faith and joined the YMCA. God has blessed me. I can pick up my high school son from school, bring him with me to work out, never miss a football game or a moment where he may need me on a dime. (I traveled a huge radius with 24 hour) I think the best part for me is when Hayley just stops by my office to chat about her day, randomly. I didn't have that before because I may have been in Bakersfield when she needed me.

If you plan your career around your family and doing what you love, you will find joy....even if the money is less.